The Kingdom Glow

     This is a raw post. No edits or drafts created. No use of Grammarly sentence correction. The enemy doesn’t want me to talk about it, but I won’t let him stop me. This past week was filled with distractions, tactics, and strategies to hinder me, test me, teach me, pull me, push me, direct me, and guide me to my kairos timing. My previous post was actually a mistake; God corrected me. He told me not to delete it because He would rather my blog show honest mistakes than false perfection. I don’t ever want to claim to get it right all the time. No one is perfect and can’t ever be. There was and will only be one. Christ Jesus. It is embarrassing to admit after I was confident, I was being prideful. I didn’t know the source of my pride and God didn’t tell me the source because He told me a hundred times before.

     Within the past year, I have been healing my mental health and growing in my relationship with God. My youngest sister has always followed in my shadows until I started healing. She refused the aid. I didn’t understand the reason for not wanting to heal with me. We have always been two peas in a pod. The person I have been the closest to my entire life; knew all of my secrets, thoughts, and pains; we shared the same room for years; we look similar to one another; we never fought one another. Never. I don’t care what anyone says, when you love someone you don’t fight them. Real love. Genuine love.

‭‭[4] Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. [5] It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. [6] Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. [7] It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

1 Corinthians 13:4-7 NIV

This is not to slander her name. This is not to destroy anything around her reputation. It is and will be a part of her testimony one day just as it is a part of mine currently. 

     When I wasn’t walking with God, I always wondered the reason someone in a domestic violence relationship would go back. There is no way I could love someone that much that they would harm/hurt me and I would accept their manipulative apology. The wailing and crying with the excuses of: “I don’t know what happened.” “It doesn’t excuse my behavior but no one reassured me and I was worried for you.” “I just got angry.” “I know I f* up but don’t stop talking to me.”

The violent spirit was in her…

     I have been saying it for a year, ‘She is like the Cain to my Able.’ After I healed she would say nasty things to pull me down. Wherever there is jealousy, there are spirits of every kind.

‭‭[16] For where you have envy and selfish ambition, there you find disorder and every evil practice.

James 3:16 NIV

     He showed me that I actually would not be so strong without Him. My youngest sister. The one I called a twin all my life since I was 4. How could I leave her? Well, God has been telling me to pull away for so long and I was disobedient and that’s what caused the argument that led to the fight. He was right (Of Course!). No more trauma bonding masking as love. If I wasn’t walking with God, she would be my god. I would have ignored my Lord Almighty and gone back to her and destroyed my promised land.

TW: BLOOD (in italics)

Three sisters on the way to the beach. One sister desperately wants to hang out with her family one more time together before she makes a big move. Low music plays, laughter, they play a question game while on the drive. The scene switches to the topic of not speaking everything detail about my life to my sister due to her behavior; Raised and loud voices, slamming brakes, A hard U-turn, pulling over on the side of the road. Suddenly a Twisted Tea cracks against my skull and right ear from behind. Liquid flew all over the car. I don’t care for material things, but I consider that God’s car because it’s brand new and it was a miracle for me. Shock hit me. I say to myself, “God told you.” Heavy fist, bitten fingers, and everything happened after. My older sister stopped it after a while. My blood from my ear drained all down my chest and was over the car in various spots. An hour drive home of screams and prayers that God didn’t strike her down for what she did to me.

“What did I do to deserve it?”

      That has been the loudest thought to swirl around my mind. It has tormented me and I couldn’t seem to quiet it at all. Every hour since the incident, I hear Jesus ask “Are you okay?” I respond with yes, but every so often I respond with “Not really.” I forgave her. Our Father forgave me, but I find it so hard to forgive myself. I let my pride get the best of me and there was a spirit of offense that was over me. I don’t know how or why it had to happen that way but it did.

     I suppose I’m writing all of this to say. Domestic abuse can be in any relationship and there are many of us that think we are strong until it happens. I know I would not have been strong without God beside me. It was only because God was there that I could look at her and say, “You need help,” and “I refuse to be the enabler in your life.” Don’t stay to see how red the flags can get. Once you see it the first time. Leave. Leave. Leave. Leave. Leave. I cannot stress this enough. God wouldn’t ever want anyone in an abusive relationship. Kill that narrative now.

Guess what if you are married to someone abusive and you believe God has you bound forever by that person you have been lied to by the enemy.

‭‭[9] Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate.”

Mark 10:9 NIV

‭‭[15] But if the unbeliever leaves, let it be so. The brother or the sister is not bound in such circumstances; God has called us to live in peace.

1 Corinthians 7:15 NIV

The devil knows the Bible too and he will twist the word to kill, steal, and destroy. God hates divorce, but for He loves righteousness more. God is love and if you believe God would beat you in your marriage you have mistaken. Husbands love your wives as Christ loves the Church and wives respect your husbands, he is the head of Christ. If you think there is abuse anywhere in that relationship, YOU HAVE BEEN TRICKED AND YOU MUST RUN FROM WHATEVER FAMILY MEMBER OR PASTOR THAT HAS LIED TO YOU.

Shalom.

*Grammatical errors may occur